It's just not worth it. You try and you keep trying, but he is always disappointed, always finding something new to be angry about. You can live out your days, thinking that today was the day you put all of your effort into it. Today was the day that you really believed you gave them your all. You are so busy protecting them for what seems like years, that by the time they are actually look away from their own reflection, they just see what's left of you. They take everything. He took everything. I feel emaciated, eaten away by the attempts I gave just to make him smile, just to make sure that he was going to be okay. But tomorrow is a new battle. The next day is always another battle. A few months ago my armor became so heavy that I had to take it off, regretfully so, because his mind took a new twist last week. Everything's a tragedy for him, and he has no mind for how barren he may leave me in the end. Not that I mind helping him. He is everything to me, so it only makes sense that he would take everything. Still, I feel myself growing resentful, afraid of a future of all of this. I thought we could grow together. I thought maybe we could make a new start. No. No, I forgot he doesn't work like that. No matter how much progress we make, he takes one hit and he's digressed further than I can recognize. There are times when he won't even come up for air, and that's probably what frightens me the most. Should I resent him for this? Is it so selfish of him to be afraid of life, afraid of not being special. We all want to be unique, but he's different. His heart seems to break if he isn't the one shining, at least through my eyes. I can't tell him every second that he's shining though, that's just not possible. I'm trying. I really am trying. It's just never enough, and I see us dying together. This is dangerous, though I'm only playing with the coals that are left over from a once brilliant fire. I hate that I even think like this. It isn't his fault that he thinks like this ... but I'm still sick every time he thinks about her, how every tear is somehow related back to her. I wish that I could escape this but take him with me. I know that I can, but then what is the point in escaping? He's not going to change, but I won't either. I really thought I could save him, be his hero. Disappointed fire. Disillusioned ashes.
That's all I have for today! Thanks for reading and remember to keep writing!
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